Because...not all days are good ones.
This week wasn’t a good week. I had good moments. But overall it was filled with stress. The main one: worry that my depression was getting worse.
Sure, I have life stress. Typical 23 year old - what am I doing with my life - am I making the right career choices - stress. But I know the feeling:
It sits in my hips and creates an arthritic ache
Then slow slithers up my spine
Creeping and crawling around my chest.
OH HELLO! Is this a new friend?
NOPE. JUST DEPRESSION.
A lot of times I’m inclined to blog about something positive – or something negative turned positive. How do I write that, hey, I think my depression is getting worse, and I don’t know how to fix it.
Well, I guess this is how.
This week has been slow. My mind has been manic. I just got back from a work trip and had a few days to lay low before going back to the grind. Usually, I'm so productive on my days off. I explore Los Angeles. But, despite some days to catch up on sleep. I had no motivation.
In the corner of my room sat my notebook filled with the detailed list of goals I had written out for the next 3 months. Because, guess what?!?! Two days ago I was motivated AF. Now, I didn't want to leave the house - and I hate staying in the house.
I decided to go for a hike. Nature is healing. I felt good. By 10 am, I already had a hike and a meeting. So, I went home to repack for a day in the coffee shop.
I never left for the coffee shop. I laid in bed, with no AC, and a dark feeling that things were starting to sink back to where they were. (Note: For those who don't know, I have a long history of chronic depression + some episodic depression. Recently, I've really managed my depression. It hasn't been episodic or sporadic, and I feel like it's "low" isn't as low as usual.)
I fixed my Wix website. Then got stressed. Then stopped. I worked on my new company’s logo. Then got stressed. And went back to my Wix website. I still don't like my Wix site. Woonanoo.
I FaceTimed my dogs. Then got sad. I was already sad.
I tried to distract myself. Then, I slowly got this desire to binge. I really haven't had that in a while. I knew it wasn't from any ED behaviors or restrictions, but deep down it is still a coping mechanism that I relied on for 10+ years.
What went from being a super productive week, quickly went to a waste. And I was pissed. And sad.
Two days went by. I just didn't leave my home.
And I got scared.
Because I think my depression is spreading – and settling.
And I'm determined to fix that. Because beyond my career - or anything else. My mental health is my priority.
How is your mental health doing?
xxNoelani
Edit: I came to this blog about 10 hours later. I felt a bit better. I thought about taking it down or rewriting it in my usual prose. I'm going to leave it up. This is how I felt at the moment. I'm not stuck to a genre or a theme or a particular style of writing. Key is: I'm not stuck. Time to move forward. See ya next time.