This Sunday I graced M&T Bank Stadium with my presence. The game started at 1pm so my 3 bowls of cereal commenced at 10am. Here is what followed:
Man, I haven't been to a game in so long.
Can't wait to put on my Suggs jersey.
Hmm, ok. Turns out I don't have a Suggs jersey.
Righhhtt. It's Ngata.
Is he still on the team?
I feel like everyone didn't need to answer like that.
But, ok, he's not.
Should I bring my coat?
I don't want it to cover my jersey. It could get cold.
It is winter.
I'll bring it just in case.
I hate carrying things.
I love Lamar Jackson.
I'm going to call him Lammy.
I hope no one trolls him on IG. I'm going to go see if anyone does.
Ok Ok unique IG story Lammy.
Glad someone is putting the zombie emoji to use.
Why is my brother caw-ing at me?
I hope I don't regret leaving my scarf in the car.
I hope I don't see anyone I know.
Where's my ticket?
Still in my hand.
What if my hands are too clammy and the barcode doesn't scan?
Why doesn't the bar behind my teeth beep in the metal detector?
So many boys wearing khakis.
Are khakis the style or the color?
Both.
Should I have eaten before the game? Why does my brother always refuse to hold my hand?
Ok, I don't have frog hands.
I need to pee.
Aren't we being a little lax with the metal detectors?
Why are they handing out signs with "GOOD"?
Operation: Bathroom.
The line is soooo long.
Maybe the next bathrooms over will be shorter.
Wrong.
Why is their always vomit on the floor?
Should I get help.
She seems ok.
Of course the stall next to the vomit opens up.
Squat or sit? Squat or sit?
We can fly airplanes yet still can't make bathroom doors without giant cracks.
Fuck yea!
Clear pee.
I wonder what the dogs are doing.
Walking through the crowd really tests your agility skills.
There is no good way to walk through the aisle to get to your seats.
It's basically choosing mouth to mouth or butt to crotch with a stranger.
Excuse me. *awkward laugh* Sorry. Excuse me.
Please, Noelani, don't knock over someone's beer.
Beer tastes like vomit.
It also hurts my stomach.
Everything hurts my stomach.
Yet nothing is wrong...
RAY LEWIS!!!
Time for the National Anthem.
Hopefully we don't have to stand up after this.
I haven't washed my hair in 4 days.
OOOOOOOOOOOO
I wonder how many of these people have confederate flags in their homes.
The irony.
I should have eaten before.
Why do guys take up so much space in their seats?
Do they know my legs also double in size when I sit because my feet can't touch the ground, so my leg fat just splatters?
Which armrest is mine?
Both.
Oh, ok, we are standing now.
These promos on the screen really get me fired, tbh.
Maybe I'm a bigger football fan than I thought.
Should I cheer?
Maybe next play.
Why do my dad and brother analyze every play as if Harbaugh will need their opinion at any moment.
The guy behind us is still annoying.
Is it half time?
Nope.
Still 10 minutes left in the first quarter.
Little colder when the sun starts to go down.
Damn, it's cold.
Do the players get cold? They never wear enough layers, imo.
Do they wear cups?
Is running but also having a penis weird?
*laughs to myself*
I have so many more questions.
Like, why do you all wear khakis?
Michael Phelps told us to stand so we're standing again.
We're at the 30 yd line so not really sure why.
I didn't know you could kick the ball like that.
Like Justin Tucker just kicked the ball like it was a soccer game.
I mean it is called football.
lol (but in my head).
PRAISE THE LORD
Dad is coming back with food.
I hope he double checked that the veggie dog is a veggie dog.
Because one time at the Dodgers stadium it wasn't.
OK it's a veggie dog.
Was I supposed to share these fries?
That was nice sitting for 3 minutes.
Did he just spike the ball????????
?????????????????????????????????
I don't think we're going to win.
Certainly not with this energy of the crowd.
Man people are so mean to Lammy.
Yeah, he's really going to play well while you're booing him.
I'm so mad.
Poor Lammy.
Wonder if they'll put Joe in.
Thank goodness I brought my coat.
TOUCHDOWN!
oh, nevermind.
The woman sitting in front of me just made a status about R.Kelly.
She is not bringing the energy we need right now.
TOUCHDOWN!
tHaT's WhAt HaPpEnS wHeN aLl ThE hAtErS lEaVe.
Do we have time to catch up?
No.
This is so sad.
I don't remember the walk to the car being this long.
I swear my family could walk 10 miles ahead of me before realizing I'm not with the pack.
Sometimes I think my nipples are going to get so cold they're just gonna fall off.
xx Noelani
P.S. Happy Birthday, Lammy!!!!!!